I have been absent from the blog and last night my beautiful husband encouraged me to tell the bigger story so others can relate, possibly learn from my experience and not feel so alone in theirs. For me, searching for biblical answers to hard questions is what is holding me together. This is what is holding me on to God’s absolute love for me. At the moment this search is holding me in God’s embrace when I struggle with acute depression and physical weakness. Weary to be done with all of life’s compounding challenges, it helps me these past two years fight off dark thoughts and suicidal tendencies.
So I started the Chavah Mom blog; Motherhood, Disability, Chronic Illness and the Bible – God I’ve got questions. Yes my idea was to write from a mother’s perspective for other moms and care givers – and for those with a disability that want to to know how their faith answers hard questions, allowing them to hold on to God’s perfect love for them. The hard questions; Why did it happen, Why Me, Why my Child, When is it too much to bare? Why are my prayers seemingly not being answered while others are receiving God’s blessings of health and healing? I am not looking for the prosperity gospel, just an understanding of how God is actively working in this messy and complicated life of mine.
The bigger story my husband encourages me to share is that I am strong, the strongest person he knows. He said God gifted me an understanding to be a terrific mom and raise our boy to thrive. The twist in the plot – the more I recognized and enthusiastically/wholeheartedly received God’s love for me, the more spiritual warfare has happened along side my declining health journey. If I didn’t know and trust God’s will for me and all of us humans, I would have given up a long time ago. So my hardest question is: how does anyone survive this messy life without Him who created and sustains us – He who came to us in the form of Jesus so that we may know him intimately? Without Him where do you find your worth? Where do you find your strength? Where do you find your joy?
This week hiking in Wyoming the analogy of a giant Jenga® Puzzle came to me. It is a sure bet that some of you can relate to this analogy. For me my life started out strong with the perfectly formed tower of all the puzzle pieces lined up in order, very stable and strong… excited to play the game of life. I am described by others as a type “A” personality with a strong intellect; ready and willing to take on all that life brings with joy and vigor. Since receiving Christ into my life as Lord, friends and family describe me as one with a heart of gratitude always finding the silver lining in every situation. An eternal optimist who, like Romans 8:28, sees how God works all things for the good in all circumstances, even those that are not according to His will.
So the Jenga® analogy: Think of the perfect and stable tower at the start of the game. Then as each year or decade of my life a single piece of the tower was removed and repositioned on top. You don’t just remove the wooden support, you have to learn how to [in life] rebalance and reposition the weight of it on top. Each puzzle piece is a loss for me whether it is my hearing loss, poor eye site, degenerating protection for my nervous system, joint damage, balance, broken digestive system, etc … So shortly after my birth I had the start of a chronic illness diagnosed by the age of two. My first puzzle piece which produces short stretches of disability, removing more pieces with additional autoimmune problems with each passing decade of my life. More abilities lost and more pieces removed from my foundation which I’ve had to learn how to rebalanced. By high school additional health concerns came my way all the while invisible to others who thought I was a dynamo. Full of life and joy, who never knew a moment of depression. That is when a growing ever-changing Jenga® tower seems impressive to others that see it. On to the next season of my life which included my thriving international business career and a fast track to executive levels. Confidence and self esteem was my authentic aura. After meeting my future husband more autoimmune disorders started to show. After marriage and at the birth of our son more chronic illness and then disability permanently entered my health journey, later to be diagnosed as MS (Multiple Sclerosis) and Psoriatic Arthritis.
In my 30’s I was someone with chronic illness and disability who then gave birth to a child with an all consuming autism. I was a person with a disability who also was a care giver of someone with a disability – add puzzle pieces of my son’s depression, anxiety, sensory disorder, developmental milestones – all removed and rebalanced. A second independent Jenga® tower started for him that my husband and I helped balance with God’s help.
The last 24 months added to my puzzle with an extremely rare allergy to a medication which left me permanently disabled with puzzle pieces – of colitis (the inability to accept and digest food), loss of all my muscle strength, loss of hair, loss of three teeth, heart issues, marred skin, physical weakness – bed ridden a good part of the year. My own depression from MS only grew more acute as at times I was taking six different medications daily, three having depression and insomnia as side affects. Ahh sleep, another puzzle piece to lose and try to rebalance on top.
My life’s puzzle tower has now so grown in height that recently every day it feels as if my life is going to collapse. Using my own strength I failed to keep it together. This past nine months I unconsciously wanted to sabotage my life’s tower to force a collapse. If it were not for God’s love, His strength, His biblical word, my husband’s faith and prayers, my sweet Bible Study Fellows – and especially the perfect example of Christ – I would not be here. But God’s love, His strength, His perfect will for my life and for my family’s lives – is stronger than all the spiritual warfare that has existed since the fall of Angels.
So I am back into the blog. Joy is stronger than my darkest depression. I have so many Biblical lessons to share, Bible studies to write in hope to be a sherpa to others when asking their hard questions and finding truth, love, strength and the ultimate support from God himself. So with confidence they can declare from where does their faith and joy come from.
At the moment I know that I am not only a caregiver, mom, wife – but that I finally need to ask for care giving. It hit me on my Wyoming hike that I misunderstood God’s will for me. I thought He gave me the strength to rebalance and adjust my Life Puzzle Tower as it grew. Wrong. God is the stability, the infinite strength that for the last 20 years He has spotted me in my attempts at rebalancing the tower. His will is that I turn to Him each time a puzzle piece is removed, and through His truth and Jesus’ work my tower will be rebalanced and stable.
The dark thoughts are drown out by the Light of God through Jesus. My blog entrees might be sporadic in the next weeks as I have found through the love of my husband the courage to ask for help with my depression and am entering into an intense counseling retreat. God has provided this opportunity and I need to release my own rebellious control and collapse my soul into His will.
I am not alone in this earthly life, everyone has a Jenga® puzzle of their own. Everyone has been called to embrace the invitation to be in a loving relationship with God, where He can spot your tower. I confidently declare that Jesus is from where my faith, strength and hope comes from.
Amazing Awaits.
Chavah Mom 
I love you friend. I’m so proud of you!
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Gailynn. I am wishing you a Happy February! Not just on your birthday but the Whole month! I am praying for you, C and L.
From Atlanta with 💕 Kim
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